Listen to The Kingett Guide to Free Pizza Hunger is the mother of invention. Spite, however, is the godmother of glorious, systemic sabotage. And last night, I was feeling both profoundly hungry and divinely spiteful. My target was "Pizza Portal," a corporate chain whose logo is a cartoon Roman legionary...

Listen to The Kingett Guide to Free Pizza Hunger is the mother of invention. Spite, however, is the godmother of glorious, systemic sabotage. And last night, I was feeling both profoundly hungry and divinely spiteful. My target was "Pizza Portal," a corporate chain whose logo is a cartoon Roman legionary...

Listen to The Conversation of a Kiss I have been kissed before. I want to be clear about that. My lips have been met by others. But I am not sure I have ever had a kiss. The kisses I have known were acts of punctuation. They were periods, used to end a negotiation. They were exclamation points, used to punctuate a...

I have been kissed before. I want to be clear about that. My lips have been met by others. But I am not sure I have ever had a kiss. The kisses I have known were acts of punctuation. They were periods, used to end a negotiation. They were exclamation points, used to punctuate a moment of conquest. They were...

My apartment came with an unwanted roommate. It is, unfortunately, not a hulking mass of gay flesh I can snuggle with. It's something I wouldn't even want staring at me. He is seven feet tall, made of stainless steel, and hums with the low, ominous thrum of corporate ambition. He is my "smart" refrigerator, and he...

Listen to My Refrigerator Thinks I'm in a Cult My apartment came with an unwanted roommate. It is, unfortunately, not a hulking mass of gay flesh I can snuggle with. It's something I wouldn't even want staring at me. He is seven feet tall, made of stainless steel, and hums with the low, ominous thrum of corporate...

Listen to A Conversation With a Voicemail I Will Never Delete Today is your birthday. It’s the day I allow myself to call you. My thumb hovers over your name in my contacts, a name I will never have the heart to move to an "In Memoriam" list. I press the button. The phone makes no sound as it dials, but I can feel...

Listen to A Conversation With a Voicemail I Will Never Delete Today is your birthday. It’s the day I allow myself to call you. My thumb hovers over your name in my contacts, a name I will never have the heart to move to an "In Memoriam" list. I press the button. The phone makes no sound as it dials, but I can feel...

Listen to An Obituary for a Cookie We are gathered here today to mourn a loss. Not of a person, no, but of a future. A future that was buttery, soft-centered, and studded with semi-sweet chocolate chips. A future that was stolen from me. The evening had started with so much promise. His name was Leon, and his voice...

Listen to An Obituary for a Cookie We are gathered here today to mourn a loss. Not of a person, no, but of a future. A future that was buttery, soft-centered, and studded with semi-sweet chocolate chips. A future that was stolen from me. The evening had started with so much promise. His name was Leon, and his voice...

Listen to On The Violent Aerodynamics of a Pastry There are moments in life that force you to confront the great philosophical questions: the nature of consciousness, the existence of free will, the reason a frosted blueberry toaster pastry will, when provoked, achieve a velocity previously thought exclusive to...

Listen to On The Violent Aerodynamics of a Pastry There are moments in life that force you to confront the great philosophical questions: the nature of consciousness, the existence of free will, the reason a frosted blueberry toaster pastry will, when provoked, achieve a velocity previously thought exclusive to...